Q I have a dilemma. I have been dating a nice lady for several years. We met in grad school and she is very nice. She is a good cook, has a friendly personality and is very supportive. She tolerates my very busy schedule, which is something that many professional women don't understand. The only problem is that she is a complete drain on me financially. I am not talking about the basic cost of dating; I am talking giving her thousands of dollars to pay her bills each month. She asks for money for her mortgage, electric bills, car note, attorney fees, private school tuition for her children, etc. The list is just too embarrassing to continue. The final straw was this month when I went into my savings for nearly $10,000 to bail her out of some pending financial problems. I know for a fact that I won't be seeing the money again. I am at the end of my rope. I am tired of paying her bills. What should I do?

A Since there are few Black Donald Trumps or Rockefellers, you might want to ask her what she's bringing to the table. Obviously, she isn't seeking an emotional relationship. She is seeking a bank. Psychologist Julia Hare, Ph.D., says it sounds like she has a spending addiction, and she doesn't understand financial management. "You are not helping her by continuing to give her money," Dr. Hare advises. "You are enabling her to continue to be dependent on you. You can help her by stop giving her money and taking her to counseling to figure out how she can get control of her financial situation. If she doesn't want to get help, then you need to say goodbye. Otherwise, you will continue to be her sugar daddy."

Q I am a 43-year-old divorced parent of four children, and I'm seeking advice on how to prepare my 14-year-old daughter for life. Her father and I were married for 23 years before we finally divorced this year. For the last four and a half years, the children have lived with their dad. I relocated to another area and they moved in with me about a year ago. The other children have adjusted to the move, but my 14-year-old daughter is having difficulty. She is rebellious and tries hard to fit in with her friends by wearing tight clothing and short skirts and sometimes making unwise decisions. I am considering sending her to a finishing school. She tries to imitate her older sister, who is 19. I'm afraid for her. Can you suggest a mentoring program? I'm just at the end of my rope.

A Hold on because help is available for you and other parents with such problems. First, you should know that frequently children feel that they are responsible for the breakup of divorced parents. Your daughter may perceive not living with her father any longer as rejection or abandonment by him. This could be part of what is motivating your daughter's behavior. If she feels that her father has abandoned her, she may perceive that she isn't attractive enough (thus the tight clothing); and she is trying to fit in with the girls that she feels comprise the "in" group. She figures this will enhance her status, according to Joyce Hamilton Berry, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist with offices in Washington, D.C., and Columbia, Md. Dr. Berry recommends that you set up counseling for your daughter that would include you. You need to find out what is motivating the problem. In terms of mentoring, if you are thinking about getting her into a program such as Big Sisters, consider that therapy would probably be more valuable. Find out what's at the root of her behavior before coming up with a remedy. Sending her to finishing school may seem to her like another form of rejection.

The scruffy, wrinkled look of the late '60s came just in time for me. Those were my high-school years and it was liberating to wear tie-dyed shirts, bell-bottom jeans, and "Jesus sandals" (even though I hadn't yet made his acquaintance).

Fast forward .15 years when I found myself a Catholic and living in an urban parish of mostly like-minded aging hippies, facing the dress code issue in our children's grade school. Most of us believed that uniforms were a good idea, but it was difficult to reconcile our "anything goes" past with enforced conformity for our children--a point not lost on my oldest son as he looked through my high school yearbook.

It was in conversations with him that I tried to identify the advantages of uniform dress. I found myself remembering my years before high school. When I was a younger girl, the most difficult thing about school was getting dressed in the morning. Left motherless while still in junior high, my little sister and I did not yet have the skills to manage our wardrobes. We did not know how to buy for our gawky, fast-growing bodies, nor did we have the organizational ability a good mother needs to get kids presentable and off to school on time. Somehow I came across a photograph of people in Maoist China and how I envied them their simple, pajama-like garb that looked so comfortable. To get up in the morning and not have to think about clothes! There were days when I skipped school for lack of a suitable outfit

My grade-school sons didn't appreciate their navy blue pants and light blue shirts as I would have at their age. Even if they didn't know what they were missing, I did, and I was glad for them.

There are three essential elements of uniform dress: identity, utility and simplicity. These elements are not only true for Catholic schoolchildren, but also for the armed forces, Scouts, the Amish, athletes, the aforementioned Maoists, and religious people of many traditions.

Uniforms provide and encourage a distinctive identity. Some may . embrace the navy pants and light blue shirts as the distinguishing mark of "our" children compared to "other" children. This is bordering on the offensive to me, but I do think it is helpful to adopt dress that distinguishes children as students.

This relates to the element of utility. As students, they should wear that which is conducive to the activity of a student--concentrated study--and not the dress that is associated with entertainment or sports.

Finally, to encourage simplicity of dress in today's consumer society is radically countercultural. Our children are bombarded with the propaganda that the only authentic self-expression and estimate of self-worth are what they own, what brand name they wear, and how they look.

Part of simple dress is modesty. In a time when we are legitimately concerned about the sexual exploitation of children, we seem oblivious to the fashions foisted upon our young girls.

There is something wrong with children dressing like call girls and I feel like the grandmother I am even to mention it. Yet there must be a happy medium between bare midriffs and a burka.

Dress is like a sacrament--both forming and revealing the essential identity of the person. If we allow our children to dress immodestly while advertising expensive brand names, what are we telling them about who they are? Little commodities?

Kids will be kids and see what they can get away with. My oldest son definitely pushed the edges of that particular envelope. Do neon shoelaces violate the dress code? How about not tucking in the shirt? Or pleated pants? If girls can wear earrings, why not boys? What about hair? If girls can have long hair, why not boys? "But Sister, Jesus had long hair!"

Enforcing a dress code in such a way that clothing assumes its rightful place is an unenviable task. If it were my job (shudder), I'm not sure how I would discipline children who consistently broke the rules. For younger ones who don't have a lot of choice about what they wear, I'd talk only with the parents. For older kids I think I'd assign a paper on the clothing industry--one page for first time offenders, two pages for the next time, etc. I could get pretty creative in my assignments--from the issue of child labor in overseas Nike shoe factories to the oppressive practices of the

Taliban to exploring the difference between bound feet in pre-revolutionary China and pointy-toed shoes on the feet of Western women.

I can also imagine a seminar on advertising that would help children watch commercials and look at magazines with an eye toward what they are really being sold and what is being said about them in the pictures of sultry girls and bored young men.

Happily it isn't my job and my children are now grown and dress themselves. I can afford to fantasize about parents and teachers who cooperate to create and enforce a dress code that is liberating rather than oppressive and who will help our children find that essential self inside along with the most creative and least harmful ways to express that self. More power to you!

Though the juniors customer is probably the most fickle in the entire apparel market, she is clinging to one trend: retro properties. Whether American Greetings' Care Bears sleepwear and loungewear from Wish Licensing or Jim Henson's Muppets undies from Sugar D, customers keep on buying--and the end is nowhere in sight. In fact, building on the trend, many licensors who did not ride the initial wave of nostalgia are jumping onto it for back-to-school '03 and spring '04.

The retro resurgence started in specialty stores such as Hot Topic. After the rest of the industry observed their retail success with seemingly has-been properties, they decided to carry similar merchandise. Now, old-school merchandise retails at Wal-Mart as well as the Claire's Stores of the world. Everyone is dusting off yesterday's hits, from Sony with Charlie's Angels to Universal Studios, which has been putting '80s film-based properties like Sixteen Candles and Pretty Pink out on the table.

Mattel is testing the waters with Barbie juniors' apparel for the first me, with T-shirts making a planned debut at Hot Topic into 2004.

"There is so much history to Barbie as a fashion brand and style icon, and we have already had a great deal of success in juniors in Japan--this is another way for us to expand our audience," said Lesley Levinson, director of fashion for Barbie Consumer Products for Mattel. Juniors apparel has already been a hit in Asia much in the same way Sanrio's Hello Kitty has developed a strong teen audience overseas.

Similarly, Sesame Workshop is finding its children's properties are hitting a chord in the juniors' marketplace, though it is maintaining a strong presence in children's wear via its continuing Kmart exclusive. The more retro the character, the better it is selling.

"Apparel has brought us a lot of success, in loungewear through Junk Food and intimates through Jacques Moret. While Elmo is our most popular preschool character, alternative older characters like Snuffleupagus are doing really well at Hot Topic," noted Tamra Seldin, vp of marketing for Sesame Workshop's Global Consumer Products and International TV Distribution division. Again, the brand coexists in both its Kmart exclusive and in the specialty channel. Sesame Workshop plans on emphasizing its 35th anniversary in 2004 in special-edition apparel to further drive home the nostalgia factor.

Though babydoll Ts, boy short panties, camisole tops and other best-selling items continue to sell even better when retro screens are applied, the range of product is also expanding into 2004. United Media is exploring the reach of the classic Charles Shultz Peanuts comic strip property. This time around, the company is expanding into an older audience with Puma-inspired bags, adding extra style and purchase incentive.

"Our Snoopy- and Woodstock-appliqued messenger bags, with trendy sports-influenced silhouettes, are a tremendous hit in the specialty channel with juniors customers, and we are going forward with them for next year," noted Morris Chehebar, president of Accessory Network's KidBiz division.

Juniors are not the only ones feeling nostalgic--retailers have fond memories of kinder, gentler times in which the licensing business and business in general were booming. Thanks to continued performance from retro brands, these memories are becoming reality

The Marines who served in small contingents aboard the Asiatic Fleet's rough-and-ready gunboats were Devil Dogs of a proud breed all their own

The USS Sacremento was fondly referred to as "The Chipin' Hammer Maru" because of the shape of the ship and her tall smokestack. Turned upside down she resembled a chipping hammer.

Commissioned in 1914 as a Gunboat, she was decommissioned in 1946. The ship's complement consisted of 163 officers and men, including the Marine detachment of one officer and 30 men. Displacing 1425-tons with a length of 236-ft, she was considerably smaller than a US destroyer.

Typically, she was armed with three 4-in guns mounted forward, aft and on the quarterdeck; two 3-pounders, two 1-pounders and two Lewis machine guns. The crew was armed with Springfield rifles, Browning sub-machine guns and .45-cal pistols. During 1934-35, the Asiatic Fleet was comprised of three cruisers: Augusta (flagship), Black Hawk, and Picos; a destroyer tender, twelve destroyers, 26 submarines; four gunboats, and seven river gunboats that completed the armada. The river gunboats patrolled the Wangpoa and the Yangtze rivers.

The seagoing gunboats rotated assignments as a station ship, anchoring mid-stream at Shanghai. Other ports of call were: Tsingtao, Chefoo, Tientsin and Chinwangtao; as well as Fuchow, Amoy, Swatow, Hong Kong and Canton.

The Marines were quartered just forward of the portside enlisted head and the starboard sail locker, which were dead astern. The compartment was small - just adequate for 30 men. Lockers were secured to the forward bulkhead together with uniform and rifle racks. There was also an office desk, filing cabinets, two chairs, some open space and the post office. Mess tables were on racks attached to the overhead. Twenty-seven men slept on cots head to foot, spaced inches apart all cramped into the space described. The Admin clerk slept in the office space and the mail clerk slept in the post office. The First Sergeant slept in the Chiefs quarters. A head call during the night could be a calamity.

DAILY ROUTINE

At the call: "Up all hands - heave to and lash up - sweepers, man your brooms!" Twenty-nine men woke up, made a bee line to the head and returned to roll bedding, break down the cots and lash them up for storage in the gear locker. Next, scurry to shower and shave with a half bucket of fresh water heated by an open steam line. Brush your teeth, shave then soap down with the remainder and rinse off with seawater. Modesty was thrown out the porthole under these conditions. After the morning toilette, we donned the uniform of the day, policed the quarters and were then ready for morning coffee, usually taken hot and black in white round soup bowls, served topside, weather permitting. During this time, when everyone was out of the compartment, mess cooks were busy setting up mess tables for morning chow. Breakfast usually consisted of coffee, powdered milk, bacon, sausage, ham, scrambled eggs, cereal, creamed dried beef, toast, French toast, pancakes, juices and more. All items, of course, were not served on the same day.

0800 -ALL HANDS TURN OR REPORT FOR SICK CALL

At 0900 the Marine detachment mustered all hands for inspection by our Commanding Officer; after which the First Sergeant put us through our paces with the manual of arms and other "in place" routines. Marines had a variety of duties. Security consisted of the Officer of the Day, Sergeant of the Guard (we had but one Sergeant), Corporal of the Guard, Captain's Orderly and the fantail watch.

One day I had the Captain's orderly post for the first time. The OD came by and, after returning my salute, gave me the following message to relate to the Captain, "The evening meal was sufficient in quantity and excellent in quality." Then he added, "The chronometers are wound." When I repeated it the Captain smiled knowing that I had no idea what it meant, then dismissed me.

Our battle station was also our deck detail. We kept the brass shined and the deck holystoned and the one pounders cleaned and oiled. This area was above the Captain's quarters, just forward of amidships. The postal clerk was a Corporal who made a mail run ashore every day we were in port. The movie projectionist was a PFC who showed movies every night, weather permitting. A PFC manned the slopchute and I was the librarian.

Twice a week we aired bedding in port and underway; this entailed placing mattresses, blankets and sheets over the rail and lashed down for safety. Laundry was done twice a week with sea water and lye soap contrived by depraved mess cooks.

In port, laundry was done by Chinese boat people. Every Friday the Captain would inspect the ship and the crew. The Marines would be all spit and polish, in formation, on the quarter deck. Our CO would order, "Present Arms" followed by "Port Arms" then the ship's Captain would give us the eyeball up and down, ending with "Well done."